


Belonging

by Thewhiterabbit



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: F/M, Group Sex, M/M, Multi, OT5, Pining, Polyamory, can't we all just get it on?, pre-BLLB
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-06-02 16:36:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6573817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thewhiterabbit/pseuds/Thewhiterabbit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blue wasn’t sure she was entirely convinced that you could be in love with more than one person at a time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Belonging

**Author's Note:**

> Just one long-winded, self-indulgent OT5ish fic set before BLLB. Thanks to Mary (curttailyourexcitement on tumblr) for the quick beta!

Blue wasn’t sure she was entirely convinced that you could be in love with more than one person at a time. She considered the possibility as she watched Mr. Gray perform his morning kitchen routine on a Saturday, hilariously out of sync with the rest of the chaos that took over the house at 300 Fox Way once alarms began sounding. 

 

Here was this man that her mother had been so fond of, but his presence made Blue feel unsettled. Perhaps Maura had never specifically mentioned that she was  _ waiting _ for Blue’s father, but it felt implied in the complete lack of men in her life for all of Blue’s childhood. Suddenly, Mr. Gray comes into the picture and all of that goes out the window. Well, maybe not all of it. When Blue pressed, Maura had assured her that she was still interested in finding Artemus. Blue liked to think that was one of the reasons her mother had gone off on her own. Not that she could ask for clarification now that she was somewhere underground, as her vague note said. 

 

With hips bumping and elbows colliding in the small kitchen, Mr. Gray attempted to spread jelly on his toast. It looked like he required a lot of concentration to complete the task, what with the sound of the fridge opening and closing, the thundering of Orla’s shoes going around upstairs, and the constant dialogue between the women on varying levels of the house. 

 

“You’re going to hang around until we find my mom?” asked Blue as she pulled one knee-high sock up over her calf and then the other, leaning her butt against the counter for balance. 

 

“I’d like to help find her,” Mr. Gray replied, not looking away from his toast. “But I have other business to deal with while I’m here too. After that, we’ll see.”

 

Standing up in her socked feet, Blue crossed her arms over her chest as menacingly as she could managed, saying, “And just  _ what _ are your intentions with my mother?”

 

With a chuckle, Mr. Gray said, “Still so apprehensive? I thought we made a peace treaty.”

 

“Can’t ever be too careful around a hitman,” she said, and Mr. Gray hummed his agreement. “But before you came, Mom was… looking for my father. I just don’t know if your being here will stall that.”

 

Blue didn’t want to get into how achingly curious she was to know more about her biological father, but from the soft, studying look Mr. Gray gave her, she probably didn’t need to elaborate. She glared back. He would  _ not _ be the reason Maura gave up on the search. Blue wouldn’t stand for it.

 

“I’m sure she hasn’t forgotten about him,” he said. “You don’t just forget about one person you love when you find another.”

 

Blue wanted to shoot back another threatening remark about using the word  _ love _ too soon, but there was a roaring engine sound slowly becoming louder. She didn’t need any further announcement to know it was Gansey’s Pig coming up the driveway, so she wasn’t at all surprised when Calla called from another room, “Blue! Your boyfriends are here!”

 

Mr. Gray gave her a tiny smirk, his eyes twinkling as she grimaced. She left the room in a slight huff. 

 

While breezing past Calla with her shoes in hand, she hissed, “That was entirely unnecessary.”

 

But when she opened the door and saw Gansey wearing expensive sunglasses and smiling out of the open window, her heart skittered in her chest like a deer on ice. Adam was lounging sleepily in the backseat with Noah pressed over him while Ronan was looking his normal predatory self in the front passenger seat, all harsh cheekbones and heady stare. 

 

Opening the door to climb inside felt like coming home. 

  
  


~

  
  


The air was gorgeous and crisp as Adam walked out of the garage after dark, the sweat on the back of his neck helping him appreciate the seasons changing all the more. He was the kind of tired that you don’t even feel anymore, just accept as your new homeostasis. He only really noticed when he saw others with seemingly limitless energy. It never felt like he got enough sleep, and part of that was on account of his combined work and school responsibilities. The other part, of course, was Cabeswater. Never resting, always needing him.

 

Persephone was helping as best she could when she could, but for all her enigmatic wisdom and psychic finesse, she was flakey as hell. Adam was often left to tend to the ley line on his own. Sometimes that felt fantastic, handling things on his own power. Other times, it only made him realize how much time he  _ wasn’t _ spending with everyone else. Jealousy would prickle hotly under his skin if he thought about what they were doing, if they were together, if they missed him.

 

Adam pried open the door on his crapwagon of a car and drove carefully back to his sad, dingy space at St. Agnes. Outside in the dark was Ronan, leaning against his BMW with the kind of stoney face that shouldn’t have made Adam feel so strangely relieved, but it did. With a sigh, the feeling of  _ I haven’t been forgotten _ flushed through his system and quenched a little of his possessiveness. The wave he gave was feeble, so he made a point to clap Ronan on the back with more strength than he felt to compensate. The hollows of Ronan’s eyes looked especially deep with the street light casting heavy shadows across his stark features. It only served to make him look more sinister when he grinned. 

 

“Gansey tells me I’m already on the edge of failing my classes. He sent me to you for some tutoring,” Ronan said. “Got anything to teach me?”

 

“The first lesson would be to show up to class,” Adam chided. He really didn’t have it in him to go over homework tonight.

 

“Next lesson,” Ronan insisted, turning to walk inside with Adam trailing behind. Ronan’s form seemed like one long, tapered shadow, and Adam couldn’t help but notice how broad those shoulders looked. Solid and powerful. Adam didn’t know if genes or constant brawls were to thank. 

 

As if sensing that he was being scrutinized, Ronan looked back peevishly. “Hurry up, Parrish, I can’t unlock the door myself.”

 

“I’m wiped, man,” Adam said as he pulled the keys from his pocket. “I don’t think tonight is a good night to work on school. Especially not Calculus, which I assume you haven’t touched.”

 

“Then let’s not and tell Daddy we did,” Ronan scoffed easily. For someone who so clearly adored Gansey, he sure loved to piss him off. 

 

That was something Adam has learned early: Adam may fight for pride, but Ronan fought for fun. 

 

“You want to crash, then?” Adam asked wearily. He was looking forward to a shower and falling into bed in the most literal sense. 

 

Ronan only deigned to reply in the form of a harsh laugh, as if Adam had finally caught up in the conversation. Ronan liked to be invited places. It was just one more way he was like a vampire. 

 

After a punishingly hot shower to scrub off grime and grease, Adam walked out in sweatpants and found Ronan sitting in one corner of his room with Chainsaw perched amiably on one of his bent knees. When he looked up, his gaze felt like a physical weight on Adam’s person. Chainsaw cawed stringently in greeting, which Adam flinched against. There was always so much silence between Ronan and him that anything that broke it felt startling, like the radio left up too loud when you started a car. 

 

With eyes unblinking and a finger gently scratching around Chainsaw’s head, Ronan explained needlessly, “She was at the window so I let her in.”

 

Adam flapped a hand to express that he didn’t mind, and he felt suddenly aware that he hadn’t opted to wear a shirt when he exited the bathroom. He could keenly feel every inch of exposed skin as if he’d wandered outside into winter without a shirt rather than into a room with Ronan. They were both cold, rough, and occasionally unforgiving, but Ronan always made Adam feel hot all over. Adam knew he was being  _ looked at _ , but he wasn’t quite sure what to do with that. For now, his only reaction was the unconscious blood rush.

 

Feigning ignorance, he rolled onto his twin-sized mattress and sighed as the blissful feeling of muscles at rest overtook him for a moment. He closed his eyes and sank into the bed as thoroughly as his solid form allowed. 

 

“You’re working yourself to death,” Ronan said, unsolicited. 

 

Adam didn’t open his eyes. “Got tuition to pay, homework to do, and ley lines to tend.”

 

“You’re hardly ever with us,” Ronan murmured.

 

It struck a chord in Adam, that jealousy creeping in again at the mention of his absence. Or, really, at their continued movement despite his absence. No amount of rationalizing could make him stop being unfairly upset that they even  _ could _ carry on without him. He had nothing to say that wouldn’t be redundant or unrealistic, so he just focused on taking deep, calming breaths. 

 

“Gansey gets all kinds of antsy when he feels you aren’t being properly tended to,” Ronan went on, the last bit said in that uppity, unconscious voice Gansey always had when he was getting worried. It amused Adam as much as it irritated him. That tone had been the last straw in too many arguments before. 

 

“You can tell him that I’m eating all my vegetables and getting plenty of exercise. Perfectly healthy.”

 

“But not getting enough rest,” Ronan added.

 

Then, Adam did open his eyes to give a wry look. “As if you two are any sort of example of healthy rest.”

 

The curling tattoo on Ronan’s neck seemed to slither to life when he smiled wolfishly, head cocking. “And I’m certainly not here to be Gansey. He’s been left at home for a reason.” 

 

Adam smiled back, and he could even feel it reaching his eyes. He realized in a startling moment that it’d been a long time since he’d smiled with his whole face. He felt like it required him to return some sort of favor, so he slid close to the wall to open up space on the bed.

 

“So are you sleeping or not?” he offered.

 

Ronan gave him one of his signature, long stares while Adam stared drowsily back. It seemed like Ronan used that to test if someone was speaking sincerely. Sometimes his stilted silences and intense eyes were enough to make a person retract a lie or rescind an offer, and Ronan never liked half-assed statements. Adam let it go on until Ronan was satisfied and moved Chainsaw to the windowsill where she sat quietly but watchfully. He moved carefully into the bed, like a cat inspecting new space. Ronan had been in Adam’s bed before, but it appeared that he never felt comfortable in it. Then again, neither did Adam. It never felt like home, and maybe that was what Ronan was getting from it too. Adam was just grateful that it didn’t start another conversation about Monmouth. That was another thing he was too tired for.

 

When Ronan settled on his back, Adam rolled to face the wall and curled up with sleep weighing heavily on his everything. Ronan adjusted to have a hip touching the small of Adam’s back, and it felt nice. Comforting, even. Ronan was still wearing his T-shirt and jeans, which meant he probably wasn’t looking to sleep anytime soon. He would most likely be gone before Adam woke up.

 

“It doesn’t feel the same without you,” Ronan said quietly. 

 

“I know.”

  
  


~

  
  


The display on Gansey’s phone lit up for the third time in the last few hours with a picture of his mother’s face. Helen had already warned him that things were about to get into full swing with her campaign, meaning a constant flow of dinners, functions, and appearances that Gansey would be needed for. 

 

Gansey tucked the phone back into his pocket somewhat ruefully. The ley line being awake gave him an unignorable urgency, as if it would only be so active for a short time and then return back to sleep. He just wasn’t sure, but he couldn’t run the risk of missing his window of opportunity. His mother would survive without him to complete the picture of the perfect American family. 

 

Gansey could only assume no one had told the sun that it was turning into autumn, what with how it beat down with the force of summer behind it at midday. He could feel his turquoise polo sticking to his back uncomfortably. Ronan was probably hating the heat even more, his fair skin always so susceptible to sunburn. When Gansey looked back to see if Ronan was following, it seemed like his friend was engaged in a staring match with the sun itself. 

 

“Try not to blind yourself before we make it into Cabeswater,” he said with the hint of a laugh. 

 

Ronan turned his searing gaze to Gansey with a few blinks and took long, intentional strides to catch up. 

 

How Gansey ever managed to pull such a hazardous, precarious person into his corner, he would never truly know. Everything about Ronan spoke in warnings like the stripes on a wasp, from his razor edged smile to his tattoo. Gansey could never seem to remember if that was Ronan as he was when Gansey met him or the Ronan he became when Niall was murdered. Regardless, Gansey felt particularly grateful to have someone like that on his side when it mattered. 

 

The trees began to thin until they stopped entirely around the edge of a lake, a breeze tumbling past them and cooling Gansey’s damp forehead. It looked heavenly, but he couldn’t remember finding the lake on any treks before. 

 

He looked to Ronan and said, “Is this Cabeswater?”

 

Ronan caught up and bumped shoulders with Gansey as he surveyed the newly discovered lake, the water looking clear and placid despite the wind. With dark eyebrows set in concentration, he nodded slowly. 

 

“I think so,” he confirmed, the muscles in his shoulders rolling like waves. 

 

Then, without warning, he began stripping off his shirt like it personally offended him. Suddenly Gansey was met with miles of pale skin and an up close look at Ronan’s entire tattoo. It was impossibly beautiful and ever changing like a Rorschach test. He kept telling himself that it was impolite to stare, but he couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen all of Ronan’s tattoo like this; there had mostly been the hint of tempting edges.

 

Then Ronan took off his pants.

 

“Look at that, didn’t even have to buy you dinner,” Gansey said, realizing that he was fixated on the muscles in Ronan’s back as he undressed. Every lean, defined line and edge reminded Gansey--and everyone else--that there was nothing soft about Ronan.

 

“Coming in?” Ronan prompted. 

 

Gansey hesitated. They had work to do, he almost said aloud. They came here for a reason, but all of that focus seemed a bit heartless if they didn’t occasionally revel in the small wonders. Here was the perfect, unpolluted lake that they had probably created with their minds, and Gansey’s first thought was finding bigger miracles. That just wouldn’t do.

 

Gansey decisively stripped off his shirt, feeling better the moment the breeze kissed along his sweat-sticky skin. He could see Ronan in his peripheral vision toeing the edge of the water experimentally. Of course, it would feel fantastic because this was Cabeswater and they’d probably hoped this lake into being. Even the heat felt perfect once Gansey had shed his clothes. 

 

He got down to his heather gray boxer briefs and found himself momentarily wondering if he should maintain some semblance of modesty while out in the open here. However, the thought was only a blip on his radar before he was shucking them off and approaching the water. Ronan wolf whistled and made Gansey laugh.

 

As expected, the water was a refreshing cool with only a moment of goosebumped skin required before it settled into perfection. 

 

Ronan was paddling around aimlessly, strangely coordinated for someone who rarely seemed to spend any time outside. Sometimes Gansey forgot that Ronan wasn’t only special for his mind. It was particularly easy to forget now that they knew he was a Greywaren, but there was something visceral and physical about Ronan. He brought forth plenty of physical reaction in other people, at least, be it fear, excitement, or stunned wonderment. For all his stoic and blasé attempts at veiling his thoughts, Gansey could tell that Ronan felt things like physical sensations, and they came harder and heavier than for most people. He was someone who made Gansey acutely aware that the word passion denoted agony as much as ardor.

 

Caught up in his tiny reverie, Gansey didn’t realize how alarmed he should be at Ronan floating towards him like a crocodile on the Nile. In a moment of too-late panic, Gansey’s stomach dropped and he went to turn and hurry out of the water but Ronan came leaping up with arms outstretched. Slinging his arms around Gansey’s shoulders, he pitched himself back into the water with his prey firmly captured. They both went down into the lake, a moment of rushing water and bubbles being the only sound in their ears. Gansey shut his eyes tight for fear of his contacts and struggled in Ronan’s warm, shark jaw grip. His arms and chest were so concrete and substantial that, if Gansey weren’t distantly afraid of drowning, he would grab and dig in his fingers to see if Ronan was as sturdy as he hoped. Instead, he kicked off of Ronan and scrambled to reach the air again.

 

He breached the surface to meet Ronan’s jagged, sputtering laughter. He blinked his eyes open and ran his hands over his face and hair to wipe away the dripping water, accepting the ruined state his hair would be in all day.

 

“Well now you just look stupid,” Ronan stated. His eyelashes clung together in dark, dripping triangles, making his blue eyes sharp and maddeningly beautiful. 

 

Gansey shoved Ronan’s smiling face away and ended up pushing him back into the water only to follow close behind.

 

Progress could wait for another day. Gansey was too busy marveling at a different minor miracle.

  
  


~ 

  
  


Ronan hadn’t believed there was anything terribly special about Blue when she first came into their circle, their little world of tension and magic and loyalty. She herself had admitted that the only thing she really did was bring out things in other people. Nothing she could control, nothing she could do without someone gifted beside her. 

 

He’s not sure when his opinion changed. 

 

“What about you, gremlin?” Ronan interjected, lounging sloppily in a beanbag chair. 

 

The conversation at Monmouth Manufacturing was on the topic of life after high school. Adam wanted every opportunity, Gansey had too many, and Ronan wanted nothing at all.

 

“This is where being a peasant has its drawbacks,” she said, eyeing him like she wanted him to know she’d beaten him to the punch of calling her poor. She was unshrinking under his brutality, and he was starting to like it. 

 

This was Gansey’s cue. 

 

“Jane! The world is wide open to you! With your incredible intelligence and dedication, and there isn’t a thing on earth you couldn’t do,” he said from his spot on the floor, swinging a slice of pizza the whole time. Ronan was almost disappointed it didn’t go flying out of his hand.

 

“Listen to your life coach,” Adam said, lifting his can of soda to both mock and commend Gansey’s unquestioning confidence in her. If anyone knew how much it cost to claw your way up, it was Adam. He was bitter from sacrifice but only seemed more motivated to make his losses count. 

 

“I don’t know what I’ll do,” Blue answered honestly. “There are so many things I could do. So many things I want to do or maybe don’t know yet that I want to do. I feel like I just can’t choose.”

 

“Living in the moment, then?” Gansey suggested. He passed Adam another piece of pizza that Adam hadn’t asked for but ended up eating anyway. Then Gansey rested back against the beanbag chair and ended up between Ronan’s legs, a calf perched on each shoulder. Ronan scratched his fingers over Gansey’s scalp the way he knew Gansey liked and earned a tilt of the head and a sigh.

 

Blue shook her head pensively, eyes on the nail polish that she was slowly flaking off of her thumbnail. Noah was petting at her hair, but she hardly seemed to notice. “Still looking to find something I’m sure about, that’s all.”

 

Ronan watched with strange fascination as she scratched away that little bit of her own self-creation. It struck him as almost sad, even if it was only black and gold nail polish. Blue put so much effort into magnifying her uniqueness to balance the duty of magnifying others. 

 

Ronan never much changed his mind about people until Gansey came around. Adam was hard enough to get used to, but he’d been a cakewalk compared to bringing in Blue. Ronan felt like his space, his friends, his life had been invaded by this person whom he didn’t have the power to oust. How could he have known what they would have all turned into once the dust had settled and trust was built? Having her with them made Ronan think that none of them were truly all of themselves before she came around. It was as if she brought out intensity in everyone. Gansey more idealistic, Adam more determined, and Ronan more reckless. But more than that, even. All of them more demonstratively multifaceted. All of them more known to each other. Apart they were one thing, but together they became something else entirely. Now that they knew themselves and each other this way, separating would feel like taking off limbs. He knew some of that had to do with Blue, as if she were some sort of glue that made them inseparable.

 

“So do anything,” Ronan offered. “Isn’t there a part in Alice in Wonderland like that? You don’t know where you’re going so it doesn’t matter which path you take?”

 

Gansey hummed appreciatively. “Without a particular goal, progress in any direction is still progress. And who’s to say that coincidence won’t lead to your passion? It’s better than standing still.”

 

Ronan rolled his eyes. Gansey hadn’t know anything about being directionless for as long as Ronan had known him. He tugged on Gansey’s hair and this time he got a smack on the leg.

 

“Eh, but we’re all fucked anyway,” Ronan threw in like a match into a gasoline can. The room exploded into groans and unimpressed looks, causing Ronan to suppress a self-satisfied grin. 

 

“God, you are the  _ worst _ ,” Blue griped, but there was no venom in her words. There was, however, a little warmth in her eyes that Ronan tried to burn out with the force of his glare. She just smiled and stared right on back.

  
  


~

  
  


“Do you think it’s possible to love more than one person at once?” Blue asked Adam while he drove her home. His car smelled vaguely like engine fluids and foot odor, and it was unusually cold for a Virginia night. “Like, can you still say you’re in love with someone if there’s someone else you might feel for too?”

 

Adam hesitated, as if he sensed there was a right answer to every question Blue ever asked. To be fair, most of the time, that was completely true. He answered, “Well, I suppose so. If you can love two family members at the same time, does it diminish your love for either one of them?”

 

She liked that answer, but it still didn’t feel complete. She nibbled worriedly at a cuticle and argued, “But what about true love?” 

 

Adam gave the briefest, saddest smile in the dim car, the only light coming from the gauges barely illuminated on his dashboard. 

 

Blue elbowed him impatiently. “Well?”

 

“I think concepts like true love and soul mates are total shit,” Adam replied with just a hint of naked bitterness. 

 

Blue crossed her arms and sank back into her seat, feeling a little embarrassed but mostly unsatisfied. The rattle of the car mixed with the crunch of gravel road beneath the tires drowned out most of the radio playing quietly, though it did nothing to drown out Blue’s frustrated thoughts.

 

She was about to apologize or try to explain what she meant, but Adam spoke before she could get it out.

 

“I think I’m going to California after Aglionby,” he said softly, leaving Blue stunned. “I really want to get into Stanford.”

 

“And you will,” Blue said when she rejoined conscious reality, earning her a much less sad smile from Adam. She pasted on the most supportive face she could muster while, inside her head, she shrieked,  _ NO NO NO!! _

 

His confession burned sharply in her belly even though it hadn’t been said to wound her. It was just another realization that they were all going to unravel sooner rather than later. The mounting anxiety of life post-Raven Boys was starting to make every interaction with them immensely important. If Blue failed her senior year of high school, she might feel disappointed in herself and especially lonely in the following efforts to make up for it. However, she knew she’d never forgive herself if she missed out on even a moment spent with them. It felt like they were slipping away faster every day.

 

“I’m going to miss you,” Adam said quietly. He didn’t take his eyes off the road. “Everyone, actually. Even Gansey.”

 

Blue felt tears slipping down her face before she realized they were even forming. 

 

“I suppose this means I have until graduation to get a cellphone,” Blue said, her voice surprisingly even.

 

Adam reached for her hand then and squeezed her fingers reassuringly. She held on tight and reminded herself it wasn’t over yet.

 

~

 

The door to Ronan’s room was open. 

 

Spread out on his bed by his feet were assignment sheets, meticulous notes from Adam, and angry reminders from his teachers detailing how close Ronan was to expulsion, regardless of how deep the Gansey family’s pockets were. 

 

It was all hideously boring. The open door doubled as visible proof to Gansey, when he came home, that Ronan was “working on it” and his venus flytrap waiting for Noah to curiously wander in. Noah didn’t disappoint.

 

“What are you working on?” Noah murmured, just a head and one shoulder peeking from around the doorframe. 

 

Ronan grinned and said sarcastically, “Homework. But I could use a break from working so hard.”

 

He rolled off the bed and sauntered out to the fridge to grab a soda.

 

“You've had a girlfriend, right, Noah?" asked Ronan, popping open the can and taking a sip.

 

"I had a mustang, so yeah, " Noah replied. "Not a very good one, though."

 

"Mustang or girlfriend?"

 

"Both."

 

Ronan took a long, full swig of his soda and burped. "Do you miss having one?"

 

Noah considered that question for only a moment and then said, "No? Yes? I can't really tell."

 

Ronan barked a laugh. "She was that bad?"

 

Noah figeted and started to pace, as he sometimes did when stillness felt too close to peaceful death. He mumbled under his breath until he seemed to find the right words.

 

"I don't really feel all the things like I used to. I remember wanting her as my girlfriend, liking her, or at least liking what being with her said about me, and being attracted to her. But mostly all I feel now is the memories. It's not strong or scary like for you."

 

Ronan sharpened one eyebrow into a high arch, but Noah was never terribly phased by that.

 

"Seeing you guys, though? Being with you all? It helps me remember," Noah added, and that softened Ronan's expression infinitesimally.

 

"So what you're saying is that you're truly dead inside," Ronan said, deflecting the affection but still replaying the words in his head.

 

_ Being with you all? It helps me remember. _

 

"And outside," Noah corrected. "Dead through and through."

 

That gave Ronan an idea. "Do you ever still get turned on?"

 

Noah was cackling even before he got his own joke out. "Nope, I'm the mayor of Deadwood."

 

Ronan cracked a smile and finished off his soda, tossing the can in the trash.

 

"But that doesn't mean I don't like to watch," Noah added, eyes going oddly iridescent.

 

Ronan felt like that would be the right moment to make a joke or firmly reign things in, but he could only just look at Noah curiously.

 

"Watching, huh?"

 

"Helps me remember," Noah repeated. His skin looked waxy and thin, but his eyes were bright as ever inside deep, dark sockets. He stopped pacing and perched on Gansey's bed.

 

"You watch much?" Ronan asked, pointedly jerking his chin at the hastily made bed. "Uninvited?"

 

Noah got a little squirrelly before saying, "I'm never invited."

 

"First of all, that doesn't answer my question. Second, don't be a creeper," warned Ronan.

 

"I can’t help it sometimes!” Noah defended. He rubbed worriedly at his cheek until Ronan caught Noah by the wrist and pulled his hand away. “Sometimes it really is an accident.”

 

Ronan paused, the chill of Noah’s skin reminding him of the cold soda can, and asked, “Did you do something? On accident?”

 

“Adam’s going to be so mad at me,” Noah moaned.

 

~

 

Persephone had backed out on her offer to help Adam manage the ley line under the excuse that her PhD work was frightfully behind, and leylines had been around for hundreds of years and so they’d be around for another week. Persephone, however, was not the one receiving vague, strung-together messages from Cabeswater at every inconvenient and terrifying hour. He got along fine enough with her deck of tarot cards, but having her there was always better than not. 

 

In her stead, Ronan followed along with him. It was mostly for the manual labor Adam knew was going to be involved, but it could only be useful to have someone else so connected to Cabeswater working with him. 

 

Ronan complained the whole time, sometimes with his words and sometimes with gusty sighs or irritated expressions. 

 

“What am I getting out of this again?” Ronan demanded to know after an hour and a half of digging. The hole looked discouragingly small, plugged up with a massive tree stump and its gnarled roots that seemed to go down forever. At this rate, they’d be here all day.

 

“We’re all safer with the ley line being more pure and secure. Also, we’ll eventually have the satisfaction of finding Glendower. And you get the pleasure of my company, damn it,” Adam listed. 

 

Ronan shook his head in dissatisfaction. “Weak.”

 

Adam wiped the back of his hand over his forehead as a bead of sweat threatened to reach his eyes. “What do you want from me, Lynch? I have a job to do.”

 

Ronan cocked his head, considering. “Secrets. Tell me one.”

 

Adam hefted the shovel up onto his shoulder like he was gearing up to swing it. Much more of this carping and Adam thought he might consider it. “Like hell I’m telling you a secret.”

 

“Come on, Parrish,” Ronan needled. “Make this worth my while.”

 

Adam drove the shovel back into the ground to keep uncovering thick, dirt-clumped roots. He didn’t offer any of his secrets.

 

“Something you haven’t told anyone else. Something you don’t trust with anyone else,” Ronan continued, leaning rakishly on the shovel’s handle. 

 

Adam gave a withering look. “Shouldn’t that mean I would have told you already?”

 

“I’m giving you your chance now, just in case you’re one of those ‘Well, you didn’t ask’ types.”

 

“I’m a virgin.”

 

Ronan barked a laugh. “No, I mean an  _ actual _ secret.”

 

Adam went beet red, though he wasn’t sure if it was anger or humiliation. “Fuck you.”

 

“You offering, sweetheart? It would be your first time, after all,” Ronan purred, and everything in Adam suddenly went hot with anger.

 

“You know what? Forget it! Don’t help if you don’t want to. But I won’t use something personal to me like currency! And you’re a prick for asking!” Adam shouted. Rage started surging down into every fingertip until he could feel his hands cramping around the shovel’s handle.

 

“How about you leaving after graduation?” Ronan spit like acid. “There’s a secret that I would have wanted to know.”

 

Adam’s insides ignited. How  _ dare _ Blue tell anyone? He’d told her in confidence because he didn’t want Ronan and Gansey dragging him back to Henrietta, the one place he wanted so desperately to escape. 

 

“What, are you mad because I’m leaving you and Gansey in this shithole? You both belong here,” Adam snarled.

 

Ronan was up in his space in an instant, shoving at a shoulder and narrowing his eyes like he was looking for a fight. Adam was so primed and ready--had been ready to fight someone for months--that he was relieved to see his opportunity. The punch was on its way before Adam could finish yelling, “You asshole!”

 

It connected with Ronan’s solar plexus with less satisfaction than Adam had hoped for. If it had hurt either of them, Adam couldn’t really tell through the thick film of adrenalin. He also barely felt it when Ronan crouched and sprang to take his legs out from under him. They went down in a remarkably smooth motion, the smell of grass and dirt overwhelming that of their sweat. From his back, Adam kept throwing elbows, knees, and fists in every direction, a frenzied need to make it out of this and  _ survive _ overtaking any higher functioning thoughts about winning or maintaining pride. Anger made way for fear, and he was distinctly aware of the growing life or-death need to  _ get out of there _ . He wasn’t strong enough, though. He wasn’t practiced enough. Clearly this had been his fault too. Ronan had a knee over one of Adam’s wrists and the edge of his forearm shoved under Adam’s chin. Adam felt the weight of helplessness press down on him so hard he couldn’t breathe.

 

The world began to swim and narrow like he was being boxed in. When he started to hyperventilate, all of the pinning pressure left him but none of weight seemed to leave his rib cage to allow him a full, satisfying breath. He wished he could still blame that on Ronan.

 

Ronan curled over him like he was trying to protect him, all his weight on his elbows and knees now instead of Adam. He flattened his hands on either side of Adam’s face and pressed their foreheads together and spoke, but Adam couldn’t really understand. Adam struggled to find air in the big, wide open space that had gotten so tiny all of a sudden. He wanted Ronan to get the hell away from him, and he wanted Ronan to stay here and hold him together. He realized then that tears were leaking out of the corners of his eyes. Shame and bitterness bubbled up in him in the form of bile in the back of his throat. He wanted to scream, to vomit, and to self-destruct.

 

Ronan was gasping for air too, which was the smallest consolation Adam could have imagined. He smoothed Adam’s hair back and started saying, “Breathe. Breathe. You’re okay. Breathe.”

 

Ronan counted breaths with him until Adam felt like the world cleared up a little and he could make out the clouds in the sky behind Ronan’s head, puffy like cotton or Persephone’s hair. His hands felt calcified around Ronan’s shoulders but he reluctantly detached them, noting that it hurt to extend each finger and let go. As much as he wanted to stay safe in this warm little huddle, it was time to put himself back together. Numbness began to settle over him. Inversely, Ronan still hunched over top of him and stared like he was falling apart. 

 

Adam could see how scared Ronan was. How absorbed and stuck he was. Small breakdown notwithstanding, it seemed that Adam was not the person left the most demolished after this fight, for which he felt a sick sort of pleasure. When that feeling faded--and it did, quickly--it was replaced by a fierce connection and understanding. Adam was leaving, and Ronan couldn’t bear it. Did Gansey know?

 

“How did you find out?” Adam whispered hoarsely. His throat felt raw and every breath felt like he was fighting a vice around his chest.

 

“We all keep forgetting that Noah being dead means he can happen upon conversations he wasn’t meant to hear,” Ronan explained between shallow inhales. Adam found himself watching Ronan’s lips more than listening to his words. Ronan sat up and rolled off Adam with his chest still heaving and his face gone a blotchy pink.

 

Adam had to think back to remember what Ronan had just said. Noah had been in the car, probably sticking close to Blue for energy. Adam felt less betrayed but no less violated. He sat upright to find a little equilibrium while he let this settle in, wishing he had Ronan’s weight to keep him grounded. 

 

“Were you going to wait until graduation to tell us?” Ronan asked, brittle and accusatory. “Or maybe even take off one day so no one could hold you back?”

 

Yes. That was exactly what he’d planned to do. He put all his focus into counting the shallow scratches on his hands and definitely did not attempt to explain. Explanations didn’t help calm someone who was angry, in Adam’s experience.

 

“You’re an idiot,” Ronan snapped, sounding tired.

 

Adam went to make a scathing remark but stopped short when he saw Ronan’s face. If Ronan had it in him to look hurt, this leveled expression was the closest Adam had ever seen. For Ronan, this mostly looked like nothing at all, just glazed eyes and a flat affect. He didn’t even look upset anymore, just deflated. The guilt stung much more than Adam would have expected. Some soft part of him wanted to do damage control and smooth out Ronan’s bristles. He could apologize. He could tell Ronan that they’d stay in touch. He could do his damnedest to make this okay. 

 

He didn’t.

 

Ronan got up, brushing off his filthy hands, and started walking away.

 

“You’re not leaving, are you?” asked Adam. Ronan had driven them there in his BMW, and it was a far enough distance from St. Agnes to require a car to get back. He definitely didn’t have money for a taxi.

 

“Wouldn’t that just be an eye for an eye?” Ronan answered sardonically, back still turned. He flung a hand over his shoulder and the keys to the BMW hit the grass a few feet from Adam. “But I don’t do shit like that to my friends.”

 

“You want a secret?” Adam blurted out, leaping to his feet. 

 

Ronan stopped walking and put more malice than curiosity into the look he threw back.

 

Ignoring the keys, Adam stomped over and grabbed the back of Ronan’s head with both hands to kiss him ruthlessly. Ronan grabbed handfuls of his t-shirt and furiously yanked him close. They bumped their limbs around and smashed their noses together, but Adam kept pushing harder. It was painful and graceless, but it was happening.

 

“I always wanted to know what that would feel like,” Adam admitted, breathless again. 

 

Ronan didn’t let go of Adam’s t-shirt until he’d leveled another tell-me-truly stare on him. Adam didn’t want to explain anymore or be mentally poked at. What he wanted was to not be done here. He practically fell forward to kiss Ronan again, and Ronan leaned in like he was catching him. 

 

~

 

"Insomnia Incorporated," Gansey answered glibly, lying on his back in bed.

 

"Not even slightly clever," Blue said with a smile in her voice. "Not the first time, second time, or this time."

 

"Tell me about school today," he said, missing her like he always did when days separated them. Those periods of separation were getting shorter and shorter, it seemed.

 

Blue had little of note to mention, but Gansey liked hearing her talk. With little enthusiasm, she talked about homework and teachers and interesting subjects they were covering. Gansey could relate to the feeling of disappointment in the mundane after all they'd seen and experienced.

 

"I don't think I know how to do normal anymore," Blue said almost apologetically.

 

"Did you ever?"

 

That earned him an approving belly laugh. When it calmed to amused sighs, Blue said, "Tell me something."

 

"Any topic?"

 

Blue paused before her voice went soft. "Tell me you think about late at night.  _ Besides _ Glendower."

 

Gansey was at a loss. Did he think about much else? Mostly Glendower and the lot of them trying to find him. He thought about their roadblocks and how to work around them, the blind spots that kept the bigger picture incomplete, and the cohesion of the group and how it affected the search.

 

"Wow, I didn't expect it to be so difficult," Blue said wryly, interrupting his thoughts.

 

"I think about all of us," Gansey said off-handedly.

 

The silence he received was heavy. He worried that he had said something wrong or offensive. Sometimes Blue seemed offended with little to no provocation, and Gansey was especially aware of his words being an unintentional weapon.

 

"All of us how?" Blue murmured curiously, and Gansey was relieved to hear no anger in her voice.

 

"Um, like one does when their friends are humans they care about with problems and might need help?" Gansey replied uncertainly. "Are you alright?"

 

"Yes! Fine!" Blue sputtered gracelessly. “We are all… pretty compatible, aren’t we?”

 

A beat of silence. “Uniquely so.”

 

“I’ve never had friends like this.”

 

“I don’t think there are friends like this anywhere,” Gansey said carefully. “Psychics and ghosts and greywarens. Quite an extraordinary bunch of us.”

 

Blue sounded somewhat disappointed when she blandly said, “Yeah.”

 

“Jane?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“It’s late, and you have school tomorrow.” So did he, but they both knew he probably wouldn’t sleep.

 

“Isn’t that why I called Insomnia Inc.?” 

 

Gansey chuckled and sighed. “Goodnight, Jane.”

 

He hung up the phone so he wouldn’t be tempted to just keep talking to her all night. 

 

"I don't think that's what she meant," Noah said mere inches from Gansey's ear.

 

He couldn't be blamed for the jump and startled squawk.

 

"About all of us, I mean. I might be assuming, though," Noah said with a lopsided grin. His smudged side didn't seem to accept the smile like the other. He sat down cross-legged at the foot of the bed and kept his eyes trained on Gansey.

 

Gansey tried to act nonchalant when he said, "I think you are."

 

"Do you ever think about it? The group of us together, I mean."

 

Gansey pushed back his hair and yawned. "I think that's an enormous can of worms that should probably stay sealed."

 

"I like the idea," said Noah.

 

Gansey didn’t know what to say, so he patted the space next to him on the bed. Noah eagerly followed, needing no further invitation to lie down and lean his forehead on Gansey's shoulder. He was accompanied by an expected chill, but the touch was so comforting that it made up for it. Noah loved touch, and whether that was to suck a little energy out or for more mundane, tactile reasons, it just felt nice to have contact with someone.

 

"I like the idea too," Gansey said softly, and he knew Noah understood it was a secret.

  
  


~*~

  
  


Things fell like dominoes in Ronan’s world. If one thing went wrong, everything followed in a sure, unstoppable line of devastation. If something went right, things seemed to spiral upwards until something inevitably went wrong again. That was the cycle of his life. It meant that whenever something small went right, he was much less likely to be cynical of the next good thing that presented itself. If things were going to be feast or famine, he was going to get fat as hell on all the sweet things life was throwing him whenever he could. 

 

This was why, after Adam kissed him, Ronan didn’t question Adam spending several nights at Monmouth. He hadn’t moved in, per se, but he seemed to be getting acquainted. The place felt right with Adam there. Noah being less corporeal meant that the enormous space of the old factory could feel abyssal and lonely. 

 

Gansey bought a brand new sectional sofa that snaked around the edges of one corner, plush and outrageously green. If Adam stayed the night, he often slept on the Kermit Couch and shared the cavernous space with Gansey. Sometimes Gansey only fell asleep if Adam was curled up next to him on the couch. Ronan never pushed to change the arrangement because A) dream things weren’t always safe things, so Ronan slept alone with his door locked, and B) Ronan still hadn’t told Gansey what happened, and he felt it was only fair to allow Gansey some unique benefits to Adam.

 

Maybe Ronan thought it wasn’t fair that he got that moment with Adam and no one else did. That wasn’t how they did things. Even so, Ronan said nothing to the other three. It was only one morning after Adam had left before the sun was up that Ronan realized it was because this wasn’t only his story to tell.    
  
The ungraceful revving of an engine woke Ronan from his feather-light sleep, heralding Adam’s departure. He left his room to check the couch and make sure. Gansey was still asleep with half of a blanket covering him and the other half crumpled up where Adam should have been. Gansey stirred and blinked slowly awake as the sound of an engine receded.

 

Seeing Gansey in the morning was one of Ronan’s favorite experiences. Sleep or no sleep, Gansey came into the light of each new day looking rumpled, puffy-eyed, and imperfect. Ronan loved every painfully human detail that Gansey hadn’t tidied up before his morning routine. Seeing them made Ronan feel trusted, privileged. Who else got to be this close to Richard Gansey III? 

 

That particular morning, however, beholding Gansey in all his tousled glory made Ronan feel guilty, especially when Gansey surveyed the room and looked to Ronan for confirmation that Adam had left.

 

Ronan shrugged affirmatively. Gansey sighed and went to his model Henrietta to add a new cereal box and quiet his already unsettled mind. Ronan hovered.

 

“I just don’t understand why he’s here,” Gansey said with the same puzzled, vacant expression he would get when solving a riddle or trying to find patterns. “He fought me so hard before.”

 

“He’s not moving in,” Ronan reminded.

 

“Oh, he’s made that abundantly clear,” Gansey said with prickly resignation. “But… he wouldn’t even stay the night and now he’s suddenly sleeping over like it doesn’t matter to him. Like all that resistance and pride never happened.”

 

“You need to ask him about it,” Ronan said decisively. 

 

Gansey turned his way. “Do you know something?”

 

“What I know is that you need to have him explain it himself,” Ronan evaded.

 

That was when vague realization dawned on Gansey’s sleep-creased face, and his bleary eyes went sharp and lucid. It was certainty rather than accusation that he conveyed as he asked, “What happened between you two?”

 

Ronan tried his best to look impassive, but that only seemed to clarify things in Gansey’s head.

 

“That’s none of my business, I suppose,” Gansey said with deliberate politeness. 

 

Ronan wasn’t surprised. It wasn’t in Gansey’s upbringing to be demonstrably upset. He might feel disapproving or--dare Ronan even think it--jealous, but he would do everything in his power to keep that from showing.  

 

“You don’t need to be worried,” Ronan tried, but Gansey dismissively waved a graceful hand like there was nothing to discuss. If having Adam to himself was what Ronan wanted, then he would happily dropped the subject and never brought it up again. Gansey wasn’t getting it, though.

 

“We’ve already started dispersing,” Gansey said dryly, like the topic was politics rather than their friendship. He never took his eyes off the box in his hands, cutting with dull craft scissors and shaping it just how he wanted it. His knuckles were turning white.

 

“If I had my way, no one would be left out,” said Ronan.

Gansey kept gluing together the pieces for the soon-to-be cardboard post office, but Ronan could see wheels turning in his head. He was strategizing, mapping out his words, expressions, and intentions before he put them out into the world. The tension in his hands and forearms stood out all the more.

 

“Meaning what, exactly?” Gansey asked. He was too mild, too steady for Ronan to believe it was casual. 

 

Ronan drifted over to the spot on the floor that Gansey occupied and took the scissors out of his hands. “Meaning I’m as much yours as I am Adam’s.”

 

_ And Blue’s _ , he realized belatedly. When did Ronan stop belonging to anyone but himself?

 

The look of disbelief on Gansey’s face didn’t feel quite directed toward Ronan as much as the world at large. Stupefied, he cooperated when Ronan took the half-formed building model from him next and massaged the palm of one elegant hand. His eyes slipped shut as Ronan alternated between digging thumbs into the tiny, sore muscles and stroking the sensitive skin on his wrist and back of his hand. Ronan smirked when Gansey sighed and fluttered his eyes open, lashes hanging heavily on his glassy gaze. It was unclear who was more mesmerized by the other. 

 

“We need to talk to Adam,” Gansey said distantly. 

 

Ronan nodded and didn’t hesitate to find the keys to the Pig. When he held them out to Gansey, he received a shake of Gansey’s head. 

 

“You drive,” Gansey insisted, all the usual firm direction and certainty gone out of him and replaced with this malleable, evident, bewildered  _ want _ . 

 

Ronan felt he might evaporate on the spot. After a moment of solemn, reverent silence with the keys--the real keys, offered by Gansey himself--in hand, Ronan pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and called Adam. 

 

“Is there an emergency requiring you to actually use your phone like a phone?” Adam greeted.

 

“Just open your door when we come get you, Parrish, or I’m breaking it down.”

  
  


~

  
  


Gansey didn’t know what the hell they were doing, tearing down the street to get to Adam. Ronan had a sort of hungry desperation about him, and Gansey wasn’t even sure what he was hungry for. Was it Adam? 

 

Adam, with his capable hands and his wary eyes. Gansey had lived quite a lot of life in his seventeen years on Earth, but there were still countless lessons that Adam taught him every day. Having Adam with them was eye-opening and humbling in a way that neither Ronan nor Blue could always offer. It was baffling to see someone who found themselves so unlovable despite being surrounded by people who loved them.

 

The whole ride to St. Agnes was a deluge of these thoughts, even up to the moment Adam opened up the door. Like a split-second mental montage, Gansey saw Adam bent over the Pig’s engine the first time they’d truly met, Adam dutifully handing in his homework with calloused hands and bags under his eyes, Adam eating pizza at Nino’s while sitting next to Ronan. All the stupid, mundane, pointless interactions and details seemed essential in this moment, because the whole picture of how and why Gansey and Ronan made it to Adam’s door that night seemed incomplete without them. 

 

That was the thing about the group of them, he realized. Everything mattered to them, about them. 

 

“Gansey wanted to let you know that he’s feeling left out,” Ronan began, forgoing preamble or explanation.

 

Adam looked momentarily confused and then suddenly snapped his gaze to Ronan with betrayal in his eyes. 

 

“What the hell did you tell him?” Adam hissed, standing in the door looking ready to slam it at any moment.

 

“He told me I needed to talk to you,” Gansey interceded. “Is there something that I need to know?”

 

Adam folded his arms, making the definition in his forearms all the more prominent. Gansey tried not to look. He mostly failed. 

 

“Don’t you think I would have told you, then?” Adam sneered.

 

That hit like rejection, and all the hazy euphoria he’d been marinating in on the drive over leeched out of him. Adam was purposefully walling himself off, and it hurt more than maybe it had any right to. Adam had always fought Gansey’s help, but this felt like him spurning their friendship. 

 

“What is it that I’m doing so wrong?” Gansey implored him. He didn’t know how he thought this ominous-sounding conversation would go, but it definitely wasn’t supposed to go like this.

 

“Parrish,” Ronan chimed warningly. “Come on, enough.”

 

“School is in an hour,” Adam retorted. “And I have work after that.”

 

“Blow them off, man. You can afford to take one day off.”

 

The look Adam shot Ronan communicated clearly enough that, no, he could  _ not _ afford one day off.

 

“After your shift, then,” Gansey tried. “We’ll be here.”

 

Adam didn’t let go of the chip on his shoulder, but at least he agreed reluctantly. It was miniscule but reassuring, and Gansey found himself being optimistic despite Adam’s sullen attitude. 

 

Optimistic for what, he still couldn’t quite communicate.

 

~

 

She would never admit this even under pain of death, but Blue had thought about it. A lot. 

 

She’d wondered about each of them in bursts of curiosity. Something mundane would make her stop and think things like maybe Adam’s strong, calloused hands would be exactly the right kind of rough, or Gansey’s full lips would feel velvety against her skin. Would Ronan sigh and moan at being touched or would he stay stoically quiet? How would she be, for that matter?

 

A few moments of thinking these things usually left her feeling secretly embarrassed, as if it was shameful to think of her friends like that. It didn’t make her wonder less or cool that simmering eagerness to know all these things for sure, but at least she felt duly abashed. 

 

Sometimes Blue felt overqualified for handling teenage life, but sex was one area where she felt completely out of her depth. This idea, though? It didn’t sound so scary. It was just  _ them _ .

 

Maybe she’d formed an unhealthy attachment to these boys, if fixating on them like this felt so normal. It seemed to dominate her thinking in the quiet, late hours of the night. Sometimes if she couldn’t stop thinking about it, she’d call Gansey with the hope of the fantasy collapsing and bringing her back to reality. Instead, it usually made it easier to imagine what Gansey would sound like under their touch.

 

Their touch. Not just hers.

 

Blue was in this so deep, and she didn’t know if she ever wanted out.

 

~

 

So the boys talked. 

 

It mostly involved everyone stepping delicately around the actual topic and speaking in such vague euphemisms that Ronan wanted to throw something. He wasn’t doing much different, though. Something about this seemed fragile enough to require all his capacity for patience and delicate handling.

 

Adam talked about kissing Ronan. Gansey was properly receptive, because he’d probably been steeling himself for it all day. He seemed slightly disappointed, though. Ronan talked about loyalty and how things felt uneven. Incomplete. Gansey gaped a little at the implication, but his eyes were practically shining. He needed no convincing.

 

Adam, however, wasn’t so amenable. Here were Ronan and Gansey offering themselves, but Adam was always mistrustful of anything offered to him, as if he expected poison in every present he accepted.

 

“You can’t have everything,” Adam said, and it sounded a lot more like  _ You can’t have anything _ .

 

“If you don’t want to get involved, I understand,” Gansey said, looking like he was trying to summon all the tact he had left in him. “It’s not exactly… the wisest course of action we could take.”

 

For some reason, offering a way out made Adam even colder.

 

Ronan was getting impatient with all the talk. This was happening, even though they were fighting it so hard. He could sense it. This was gravity. It was either going to be the result of their inevitable boiling over or their mutual agreement and faith in each other. 

 

Ronan wasn’t going to lose anyone because they wanted each other too much. 

 

“Trust us. Fucking trust yourself.”

 

Hostile and cautious still, Adam said, “What about Blue?”

 

Ronan rolled his eyes when Gansey failed pretty spectacularly at suppressing a grin. He must have known something Ronan didn’t because Gansey didn’t hesitate before saying, “I’ll handle that.”

 

Ronan swung the keys to the Pig around a finger and didn’t wait for the others to follow when he slammed open the door to the cool night.

 

~

 

“Jane,” Gansey breathed into the phone. He was unendingly glad that she was the one to answer the shared phone at Fox Way. The newer, stronger urgency made him dispense with the usual round-about greetings and niceties and skip right to, “You should get to Monmouth at once.”

 

Blue replied slowly, processing, “Is something wrong?”

 

“No,” Gansey assured her, and he almost laughed. “But we need you here. For  _ all of us. _ I’m coming to get you. Is that alright?”

 

He waited on the line for Blue to agree to this sudden spiriting away. He definitely knew she was the type to fight against something if she was told rather than asked.

 

“Yeah,” Blue said finally. “I’ll be waiting outside.”

 

~

 

Gansey left Adam and Ronan at Monmouth while he went to fetch Blue. The air was thick with Adam’s displeasure. Despite his consent and tamped down eagerness, Adam still seemed angry.

 

“I didn’t kiss you so you could start telling everyone,” he finally said aloud. He sat uncomfortably on the Kermit Couch in a clean, white T-shirt and his jeans. 

 

“I didn’t tell anyone. You did,” Ronan replied as he rolled up the sleeves on his button-down school shirt. It was mean, turning it around so Adam felt like he put himself here even though Ronan was the motor. Nothing happened without Adam’s allowance, though. That much was true.

 

“That was supposed to be personal,” said Adam. He curled up with his knees almost under his chin, making him appear so young it almost pained Ronan to look.

 

“You mean a secret.” Ronan smiled.

 

“Have you been telling other secrets of mine?”

 

“Gansey doesn’t know about you leaving after graduation, if that’s what you’re asking.” Ronan settled into the couch next to Adam. Without any influence, Adam draped a leg over his lap. Ronan reached over and grabbed a bit of hair between two fingers to tug on, asking in his rough, Ronan way for Adam to come closer. 

 

Shuffling nearer, Adam said quietly, “I don’t get anything for myself anymore, do I? Not even my secrets.”

 

Ronan ran his fingers through Adam’s dusty colored hair. “You get all of us, if you want.”

 

“That I also share with all of you. But you all can keep moving without me,” Adam responded. Ronan didn’t miss the slight wavering in his voice.

 

What was Ronan supposed to say? Adam was leaving for the other side of the country as soon as he was able, and yet he was talking about exclusion and feeling expendable. Adam was exactly the idiot to bring about the thing he feared most.

 

“This won’t work right if you’re not a part of it,” Ronan assured him, because that much was true. Ronan knew erosion when he saw it. He could see their inevitable falling together and falling out. They went hand in hand, and Ronan wanted to run towards it at full speed. 

 

Give him the spark and the explosion. The smolder could last for longer but it just wasn’t enough. He wanted  _ more _ .

 

Adam shifted and leaned in to kiss Ronan, which Ronan wanted to inhale like cigarette smoke. He instinctively grabbed the collar of Adam’s plain white shirt and twisted until Adam pressed against him hard, clashing teeth together in a way that made Ronan feel more at home than tenderness.

 

In a burst of vulnerability, Adam asked, “Do you like me the most?”

 

“I love all my children equally,” Ronan replied, and Adam glared. “But you were the first one I loved.”

 

Adam kissed him again. Ronan let it be gentle. 

 

~

 

“Is anyone else feeling apprehensive?” Gansey put in. “I mean, this does sound pretty unconventional.”

 

Everyone was standing around the Kermit Couch in the too-open space of Monmouth, not looking at each other but still not walking away. Two six packs of beer were on the floor near their feet, courtesy of Ronan. Everyone seemed too uncomfortable or too anxious to sit. The only one not swaying awkwardly was Noah, who was standing in the doorway to his room with a hesitant smile creeping over his face.

 

“Gansey, I know your mother is running as a Republican, but don’t you start spouting that ‘One man, one woman’ nonsense, or so  _ help _ me,” Blue threatened. She wore a loose-fitting shirt that  fell to the side to expose one shoulder and a strap of her racerback tank top underneath. That demure view of skin was so distracting.

 

Gansey, eyes nearly reaching the edges of his glasses, sputtered, “No, no! That’s not at all what I meant. I just think… this is going to be a trainwreck if something goes wrong.”

 

Gansey had a point. Something always went wrong with them. Someone would fight or feel left out or play favorites. They already did that now, and it felt like the world was ending until things were made right. But with all that, Blue reasoned, how different could this possibly be? They were already all in love, and they managed to hold things together. And she, best of all, knew exactly how temporary it would be. Though it killed her to remember the vision of Gansey’s spirit in his wet Aglionby uniform, she knew that she wanted to wring every little drop out of this experience. 

 

“We can handle it,” she replied curtly. She didn’t say,  _ Let me have what I can while it’s all still here. _

 

Ronan grunted his agreement as he bent down to claim a beer, which was probably his second or third one of the evening. With the crack and hiss of the beer opening, he elbowed Blue’s shoulder lightly as a show of support, which was when Blue knew something new and unexpected really was about to happen. She felt fierce pride and momentum having Ronan on her side. Was this what Gansey felt like all the time? Was this why he was able to be so surefooted in the most uncertain of circumstances?

 

She turned and launched herself at him, arms hooked around his neck. As expected, he froze and stood with his arms scrunched awkwardly, not really sure what was happening or how to react to it. Holding her balance on her tip-toes, she squeezed around his neck and let the awkwardness linger. If Ronan could intimidate a person with his eyes, damn it, Blue would hug Ronan into submission. 

 

“If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen, Lynch,” she challenged. It had the exact provoking effect she wanted, making Ronan scowl and crushed his arms around her. Beer sloshed onto her shirt and she ignored it. She laughed and kissed his cheek before letting go. She opened her own beer and decisively took two long swigs. It tasted disgusting, like musty old bathwater, but it felt worth it when Ronan bumped their cans together to show his solidarity. 

 

When she turned back to the other boys, she went quiet.

 

Gansey and Adam seemed locked in moment. Adam carefully took the glasses off Gansey’s face and put them aside before they had a long moment of silent looks. Gansey was pleading with Adam to not run away, to not reject his offer for the millionth time, and Adam was slowly acquiescing, his forehead leaning in to rest on Gansey’s shoulder like he was finally ready to let Gansey have some of this weight he’d been carrying forever. Immediately, Gansey brought both arms up around Adam’s shoulders to hold him tight and press a kiss into his temple. He whispered sweet, soft words into Adam’s ear, like, “I’m so glad you’re here. I’ve missed you.” Adam’s hands drifted up Gansey’s sides slowly, taking in the shape of his torso before bunching in the fabric of his V-neck shirt. 

 

That was when a pair of small hands came up from behind and rested on Adam’s hips gently, massaging thumbs in smooth circles. 

 

“This makes me happy,” Blue said behind him, her nearly-empty beer resting idly on the floor with the rest of their cache. Adam smiled into Gansey’s neck and felt no shame in sagging a little heavier against him. Gansey didn’t falter. 

 

“Now kiss and make up, you two,” Ronan said shamelessly from the sidelines.

 

“You just want to see me and Gansey make out,” Adam laughed.

 

“Yes,” Blue said a little too quickly, sounding awed. Her hands had gone tight on his hips, and Adam sucked in a breath.

 

That was the moment things went from sentimental to stirring. Adam broke from their embrace and saw some small semblance of shyness in Gansey’s face mixed with an open-hearted desire that Gansey was always too composed to show for anyone. He was asking with his eyes again.  _ Are you okay? Do you want this? Am I allowed? _

 

Adam licked his lips and leaned in just fractionally, and that was all Gansey needed before he rushed to close the distance between them. They kissed like Gansey was trying to soothe and secure, and it hit Adam like a brick to the head how much Gansey cared about him if every movement seemed to communicate Gansey’s feelings. He’d been so stubborn before, and he probably would again, but for now it felt wonderful to fall into Gansey’s care and stop fighting.

 

Adam hadn’t done much kissing in his life, but when he left Gansey’s perfect, yielding lips to be met immediately by Ronan’s, he knew he was about to get his fair share. 

 

Blue was in heaven. How long had she thought about this? How many times and in how many scenarios did she imagine seeing this? They were gorgeous, every feature standing in contrast to one another and yet harmonizing effortlessly. Gansey looked euphoric with Adam finally receiving all his affection rather than snubbing it. He came out of the kiss looking dazed and almost distressed at the loss. Blue swallowed as Ronan slipped a hand behind Adam’s head and kissed him like it was all he ever wanted to do. It made Blue ache a little, knowing that she wouldn’t have the chance to kiss any of them for fear of what might result. She still had her hands on Adam’s waist, and it thrilled her when he reached back and grabbed her wrist as if to say  _ I see you _ . It was the most involved she could be in this moment, and her heart went galloping. The tightness of his grip set off another little rush of heat in her, and she found herself wanting to be overwhelmed by them, surrounded with their bodies and their intensity. She watched Ronan completely overpower Adam even as they kissed and she wanted some for herself. 

 

Gansey finally seemed to break away from the mesmerizing combination of Adam and Ronan to see her. Their eyes met and saw the same feeling of wonderment and hunger in each other. He held up one finger and broke away from their little clump to open his own beer. Blue watched him take as many deep gulps as he could manage, head thrown back and throat working. With it still in hand, he moved to press close to her and nuzzle his cheek against hers like they’d done so secretly, the smell of mint and alcohol following with him. He was wishing he could kiss her too, she knew. With her free hand, she pulled him in hard and felt his erection bearing into her stomach. 

 

It should have been exciting, even reassuring, but mostly it felt daunting. Shit, what was Blue supposed to do? She was surrounded!

 

But she wasn’t alone here. Ronan was slyly inching a hand lower and lower on Adam’s abdomen, and Adam’s posture was bowed with his hips proffered forward. Adam’s hand around her wrist seemed even more illicit as she watched them touch and pull on each other. Even when they weren’t kissing, they were close enough to be breathing in each other’s heavy exhales and staring greedily like they wanted to consume each other with the force of their need.

 

Ronan felt like he had jumped into the ocean after a scorching day at the beach. He was burning up with the need to touch every stretch of skin they all had on them. He wanted his hands in Gansey’s hair and Adam’s mouth all over him. He wanted to curl up around Blue’s itty-bitty frame and bite into her neck. He wanted to be covered in bruises and hickeys from being tossed and crashed in their waves. 

 

Adam felt good for the first time in what seemed like forever. Things made sense here between Ronan’s hard edges and Blue’s thin wrist. These were the things that mattered, at least right now. How incredible it felt to not be thinking about the future but instead wrapping himself up in exactly right now. It was like the first few steps into a new life where he didn't have to scrape, struggle, and plan to hopefully make the future a better time. Things were better exactly where he was.

 

Movement out of the corner of Adam’s eye drew him to look back at Gansey, who was now on his knees in front of Blue and kissing her stomach over her clothes, eyes closed reverently. 

 

“Wait, don’t!” she exclaimed, ready to shove him away. 

 

Gansey looked up at her with eyes on fire. “You can’t kiss, I know. Doesn’t mean I can’t.”

 

She stood stock still like she was being sniffed over by a bear as Gansey went back to her belly like nothing had happened. Remembering his grip on her, Adam brushed his thumb back and forth over her skin as reassuringly as he could with Ronan still breathing hotly into his neck and gliding a hand over his zipper. She looked over to him and gave a faltering smile. Gansey’s hands pressing against her low back looked enormous on her, and that made Adam swallow thickly. Ronan looked up from Adam’s neck and watched, hand still moving in firm motions over Adam’s cock. Trying not to sigh and groan, Adam saw as Gansey kept kissing a little lower at a time, making a straight line between Blue’s navel and crux of her thighs. Her hand drifted into his hair and her mouth fell open just a little as Gansey pressed an open-mouth kiss to the deep inseam of her tights, chin dipping between her thighs to reach. 

 

Next to his ear, Ronan’s breath fluttered. Adam gave him a look like a question and Ronan answered by reluctantly detangling and taking a step towards Blue. Adam let go of Blue’s arm and brought his hands up to massage her shoulders. He was infinitely pleased to see the way Blue let her head drop forward under his touch. Ronan was there at her side, running his fingernails down her arm and fluttering fingertips over her bare collarbone. It didn’t escape Adam’s notice that Gansey moved one hand from Blue’s waist to slip under Ronan’s untucked Aglionby shirt. Ronan couldn’t keep his eyes off Gansey on his knees, face half obscured from how far he was trying to bury himself between Blue’s legs. 

 

“My knees can’t handle much more of this,” Blue chuckled hoarsely. 

 

Like it was a command, Gansey stood up and hurried to his bed across the room. It was small for four people, but they weren’t going to need much extra space between them. Using his hands on her shoulders, Adam steered her there. After a little shuffling around, they had Blue on her back with Gansey kneeling between her legs, touching along the inside of her thighs teasingly. Ronan spooned up next to her and spread wet, biting kisses over her shoulder and neck. Adam sat on her other side, one hand tracing the outline of her breast and the other cupped around the back of Gansey’s neck. 

 

Blue felt safe wrapped up by so many bodies. She felt like a match with every touch being a striker, igniting her and sparking each nerve ending into consciousness.  Gansey and Adam handled her like something precious. Ronan handled her like she was unbreakable. The two combined felt complete and complementary.

 

Blue didn’t know how to talk about this. But then again, it seemed none of them did. They spoke with their hands and their eyes, pulling at each other to touch and kiss and press where they wanted. Gansey had looked at her before every new touch, watching her to see if it was okay.

 

His fingers swiped gently up and down the seam of her tights, sending warm, crackling sensations through her. She took his hand and pressed the heel of it over her clit and ground it down hard, showing Gansey that she didn’t have the patience for softness right then. 

 

Ronan propped himself up to reach over her in order to kiss Adam, tongues evident between each break. Gansey watched with reverence, trying to still keep his hand moving in the ways Blue was trying to show him. He couldn’t wait to get good at this. Blue would teach him how to touch her best. Adam and Ronan seemed like easier puzzles to finish. They would be just as satisfying to please, though.

 

The lights flickered overhead until just one lamp remained illuminated, and everyone slowed their pace to glance suspiciously around the room. 

 

“Too much light,” Noah said from the Kermit Couch just a few paces away. He watched with earnest interest lighting up his face. 

 

Ronan snickered and said, “You weirdo.”

 

“You want to come here?” Blue offered.

 

Noah shook his head. “Watching is what makes me feel good.”

 

Gansey took that moment to grab Ronan by the arm and haul him up sitting so they could get his shirt off. That button down was the first piece of clothing to come off. Like the first gunshot in a battle, it signaled the moment for other articles to come flying off as well. The jingle of Adam’s belt and the  _ swish _ of Blue’s first layered shirt ratcheted up their heart rates and intensity. 

 

Once in various states of undress, the tone changed a little. Self-consciousness had a few moments to surface until action took precedent over embarrassment. 

 

Blue was still splayed out between the three of them, feeling the sexual frustration of seventeen years without partnered sex weighing on her. It certainly didn’t tone things down to have three gorgeous boys taking their clothes off surrounding her. She would give herself an orgasm here if she had to, but she was burning with the need for it any way she could get it. 

 

Hoping they would forgive her impatience, she grabbed Gansey’s hand and flattened it against her clit again, moving it in the small circles she liked. Immediately, Gansey was back on the task. 

 

Adam slipped a hand up her tanktop to squeeze her breast, all the signs of inexperience and hunger evident. She loved it, though. They’d all fumble through this newness together. 

 

Gansey had just gotten onto a good rhythm when Adam leaned down close and whispered in her ear so only she could hear, “I’ve thought a lot about eating you out.”

 

Blue groaned and dug fingernails into Gansey’s wrist. He pressed harder, and she loved him all the more for it.

 

“I’d really like to try some day, if you’d let me. What do you think?” Adam continued, honey-sweet Henrietta accent sloping all his words into a faint drawl. 

 

She nodded, eyes squeezed shut and breathy moans falling from her mouth. She came with a hand covering Gansey’s and Adam whispering dirty promises into her ear. 

 

When her eyes opened up again, Ronan was kneeling over her to reach Gansey with his lips. Whatever he could reach, Ronan kissed. Shoulder, arm, collarbone, until he finally met Gansey’s parted mouth. They kissed like it was the closest thing to home Ronan had known since the Barns. 

 

When the fog of her orgasm had faded, Blue had the strength to sit up and make way for them. Adam helped her along, though it involved a lot of crowding into her and looking at her with starving eyes. She felt sated but still a little buzzed on their energy. Seeing Adam look at her like that just as she was starting to cool down made her poor, overworked heart beat faster again.

 

Adam felt ravenous for touch. Everything felt too light, too insubstantial. He needed hard and abrasive. Blue looked blissed out and gorgeous, but he felt restless in response to her gentle hands and dilated pupils. He needed something rougher.

 

When he looked to Ronan, he got the new, titillating view of him kissing Gansey made him nearly lightheaded. They could have barely looked more different. Gansey, with his smooth angles and Classic Boy look, contrasted so harshly with Ronan’s knife-edge cheekbones and severe features that Adam wondered if he fell somewhere in the middle or in his own little classification of looks. Ronan looked made of jagged rock; Gansey looked made of gold. What did that leave for Adam?

 

He’d never felt more made of flesh and blood than in that moment with his heartbeat hammering in his ears and his nerves singing even without being touched. Every breath felt deep and heavy, and it was the closest to overwhelmed he’d felt while still wanting to head deeper into a feeling.  

 

He crawled across the space to snake a hand down to Ronan’s pants. He could see the moment when Ronan registered him there even though Ronan kissed Gansey up until the point that Adam reached his hand down into Ronan’s underwear and palmed his cock.

 

Ronan, they all learned, wasn't much of a moaner but his hissing inhales were so gratifying that it made up for it. Even so, Adam wondered if there were other ways he could work Ronan over to make him slip out a sound or two. Not that Adam actually knew what he was doing, but he'd be willing to learn if Ronan let him practice.

 

When Ronan turned to kiss Adam next, Adam rolled Ronan down on his back where Blue had just been and left brutal kisses down Ronan’s chest. Blue scratched her blunt fingernails over his scalp, getting pleased hisses for it.

 

Gansey took that moment to procure another beer and send it around to each of them. Adam was the only one who passed it up; the other took turns pulling huge gulps out until it was finished. Ronan threw it haphazardly on the floor.

 

Gansey slid around in the limited space and took Ronan's chin in his hand and brought it up to look at him. Whether it was to see Ronan or to have Ronan see Gansey was unclear. Lips swollen pink and pupils gone wide, Ronan watched Gansey like he was waiting for instruction. It was an uninhibited version of the look Ronan gave him all the time, minus the attitude and undercurrent of  _ I do what I want. _

 

_ Now _ , Gansey thought,  _ you do what  _ I _ want _ .

 

Adam nuzzled his cheek into the inner side of Ronan's lean thigh and it made Ronan's eyes slip closed and his mouth fall open a little wider. 

 

It was selfish to think that the immediate inclusion of everyone had robbed Gansey of his moments with each of them individually. He wished he'd been given the chance to touch Ronan like he deserved. Something about his naked need to please and thick skin made Gansey want to see how far Ronan would let him take things. Oh, the things he would have tried if it had been just him and Ronan.

 

For now, Gansey kept a firm hold on Ronan's chin and commanded, "Look at me."

 

Ronan's eyes popped back open with laser focus. Even while Adam wriggled the pants off him, Ronan kept his eyes locked with Gansey’s. The tiny smile of satisfaction that ghosted Gansey’s mouth made Ronan feel like roaring with pride. Then when Adam went licking up his shaft, he felt like keening. The sensory overload of Blue’s nails scratching over him, Gansey’s gaze filling him with heat, and Adam’s mouth on his cock had him coming before Adam even had time to worry about how he didn’t actually know how to give a blowjob. Ronan had gotten off to the idea of this--Adam and Gansey--enough times that he was a hairsbreadth away from coming the moment they had his pants down. 

 

Coming felt like he was falling in reverse, all the crushing impact followed by the light, airy feeling of sailing weightlessly off a ledge. Once he settled on some sense of solid ground again, he had to stop himself from getting too buried in the feelings of  _ family _ and  _ home _ and  _ mine _ .

 

To distract himself, he heaved Adam over him with fingers hooked through belt loops and unzipped his jeans to jack Adam off while they kissed. The smell of mint seemed to surround them even while Gansey cuddled close to Blue and kissed down her exposed collarbone. 

 

Ronan’s calloused knuckles brushed along Adam’s belly as he pulled on his cock just this side of too rough. It made him forget that he’d be gone by the summer, or that there was anything in this world beyond the four of them in their bubble. Gansey ran a hand over Adam’s hair just as he was starting to peak, and Adam choked off the sob that fought to escape. 

 

The unironic grin Ronan gave him made Adam feel suddenly bashful. He tucked himself back into his pants and wiped down Ronan’s splattered stomach with Blue’s abandoned shirt.

 

“Hey!” she squeaked sharply. “I’m going to have to handwash that!”

 

Kissing Ronan one more time, Adam got up and walked around to Blue’s side of the bed and knelt down in front of her. Yanking her to him by the hips, he said, “I can make it up to you.”

 

She yelped and laughed brightly, a blush coloring her face and chest. She helped him peel off her tights with more enthusiasm than Adam was expecting, quite honestly. He had expected Blue to be more uptight, even prissy about all this. Instead, she went running at this full speed and barely seemed to look back. Her eyes spoke a challenge when she canted her hips forward, arms posted behind her on the bed for support, and spread her legs. Adam’s cock stirred almost painfully in response.

 

He pushed aside her sensible, black underwear and marveled at her for a moment before getting to work, all dark hair and tan skin. 

 

The first press of tongue had Blue gasping. Hands were nice, but damn, this was nicer. Adam was tentative, but always eager to please. He didn’t seem to mind it in the least when Blue slid her fingers through his hair and undulated her hips to get just the right pressure. He watched her with heavy-lidded eyes and a faint grin as she sighed and moved with his mouth. He was gorgeous, hair in complete disarray and eyes flashing with confidence she’d never seem him have. It was intoxicating. An endless loop of them reacting to seeing each other pushed them past the first-time jitters. 

 

A moan distracted her just for a moment, and she looked back to see Ronan, still naked and lying on his back, with Gansey holding down his wrists and straddling his hips. Somehow, Gansey moaning never made him sound vulnerable or undignified. If anything, it only made him seem more inhumanly perfect. Though she could only see them in her peripheral vision, it was clear Gansey was rolling his hips over Ronan, pants undone and probably his cock rutting alongside Ronan’s. It was hard to tell from her limited angle, especially with Adam working so hard to get her attention back on him. 

 

She turned back to Adam just as he tried to slip his tongue as far inside her as he could reach.

 

“Maybe try…” Blue made a hesitant prodding gesture with one finger. “Inside? With fingers?”

 

Adam didn’t need to be told twice. 

 

She reclined back until her head bumped against Ronan’s shoulder. He stretched over to kiss her on the top of the head, and she felt cozy and happy in that moment. When Adam slowly slipped a finger inside her, tongue still working in uneven pressure over her, she inhaled stiffly and looked up to see Gansey’s eyes on her. 

 

God, why did this moment feel so fucking good? 

 

She gently moved Adam’s mouth off of her and rubbed tight, quick circles on her clit. Adam had two fingers curling inside her and one hand gripping her thigh when she came again like an enormous ocean wave crashing over her and dragging her under. She kept her eyes open and watched as Gansey came undone, mindless words and groans falling from his lips as his hips stuttered to a stop. 

 

Adam kissed up and down Blue’s thighs, never wanting to stop touching. From between Blue’s knees, he watched Gansey take Ronan’s cock into his hand and kiss him until Ronan came with ragged inhales and ruddy cheeks. 

 

“Don’t you dare,” Blue warned groggily, but Gansey was already grabbing her shirt again and cleaning Ronan off gently. Blue groaned. “Great. Now it’s covered in everyone’s fluids.”

 

“So am I, but you don’t hear me complaining,” Ronan said, sounding loose and relaxed and a little smug.

 

“Don’t lie, you like it,” Adam chuckled. 

 

Gansey flopped down on the bed, pants still mostly on and fly open. “I feel like I just ran a marathon.”

 

“You’re telling me,” Ronan said, reaching a hand to comb through Gansey’s hair. 

 

Adam concurred, crawling up to find his space on the bed. They stayed there with their chests heaving and their sweat cooling for long enough that Ronan fell right asleep. 

 

“I should be going,” Blue said, but didn’t move. 

 

“Mmhm,” said Gansey.

 

They all seemed to sigh collectively.

 

“What does this mean?” Adam whispered. “What happens now?”

 

“That we should get matching jackets. So people know we’re in a gang,” Blue said decisively. She lifted her head and said, “You included, Noah.”

 

That made Adam laugh and Noah’s face go bright, and the room eased palpably. 

 

“Does this answer your question from before, Blue?” Adam murmured. 

 

Blue smiled, warmth spreading to every edge of her body in a flush. “Yeah, I think it does.”

 

~

 

Gansey actually got jackets made.

 

They all secretly loved it, even Adam.

  
  
  
  
  
_ The End _


End file.
